The Horrible Films I've Seen

The Grudge

I'm sorry I waited as long as I did to see this movie, because it was a joy to watch in a kind of "I can't believe how bad this film is" way. Ok, so um, someone saw The Ring, and said, "Let's take a small boy, make him creepy, and a girl with long black hair, and scary eyes, who can go anywhere at any time, and make them kill people for no reason."

There is no reason at all that the evil ghost spirits in this film should kill anyone, anyone at all, but they not only kill everyone that enters into their house, but people who work with people who enter their house. It's like eventually, if these ghosts stumbled across Friendster, we'd all be fucking dead.

Did i mention these ghosts have super powers, that would rival Superman, or um, God for that matter. Hey, when I die, I want to die like these guys, so that I can stalk strangers, posing as their friends and making calls to their houses late at night to scare them, not to mention turning into black smoke in stairwells and destroying light bulbs. Is there ANYTHING these fucking ghost dickheads can't do? I'm surprised there wasn't a scene where the Evil Ghosts had to cook a dinner for a surprise group of family members, because I'm sure whipping up some sushi and udon noodles was part of the spooooky soooper powers.

This film made 110 million dollars here in America, which means that all I need to do to scare the average US Citizen is to flick paperclips at them and make half-hearted ghost noises.

Oh, and according to the commentary track, no one who worked on this film has any idea how completely ridiculous and stupid it is.

Amityville Horror

I saw the original Amityville Horror when I was a kid.  I even read the book.  What I didn't do was re-make the film into this horrible, terrible, ridiculous piece of shit.  Hey, I like Ryan Reynolds, he funny and likeable, and sure every film he's made has been bad (except Blade: Trinity, which was worse than bad), and i like Melissa George as his wife (from TV's Alias), but um, well, shouldn't a film go for more than that?

What if I told you that all they have to do to escape any evil in this film is leave the house.  That's it.  Evil will not leave the house to chase them.  And every time they do leave, they all feel better.  And they do leave the house and return to it, over and over.  Until the THIRD ACT!!!! When leaving is a little tougher, but not really much.

The evil bad guy, in the film, is a preacher with a black hat, who used to torture and murder people right there in that very house.  Hey, that was lame the first time in Poltergeist Two.  Can you imagine stealing something from Poltergeist TWO?!!?!  Remember when Lucas stole the ending of Phantom Menace from Independence Day?  This is somehow more embarrassing.  Perhaps the film should be called The Amityville Embarrassing, and then everyone who made it should be tortured and murdered in the basement by the preacher guy, while he says, "You are gonna dieeeeee, you are gonna dieeeeee".

The film, advertised as 1 hour and 40 mins, is really 1 hr and 17 mins (i checked my watch).  Did they cut 20 mins from it right before it was released?  Were those scenes of actual character development?  Jokes?  Ryan Reynolds angrily storming around the backyard with an axe?

Who cares.  I want my money back, and I saw it for free.

Hostage

Bruce Willis makes a lot of duds (Mercury Rising, Color of Night, North -  to name a few), so we don't really take him seriously when he does an action film.  I mean, this is the guy from the original Die Hard, so he had far to fall from grace.  And fall he did.  Over and over.  The only person with less credibility at this point is Robert De Niro doing a comedy.  Please God, I'm begging you, send De Niro a script with a dramatic role in it.

Ok, back to Hostage - it sucks.  Plain and simple.  From that opening scene where Bruce plays a cocky hostage negotiator who makes the wrong decision, one that winds up killing a child, to the scene where he tortures a hostage victim for info about a DVD, to those "actors" playing the hostage-takers,  It's like watching the worst episode of 24, one where you sit with your chin in your hand, patiently waiting for it to end, or for everyone to die.  Am I wrong in wanting everyone in this film to die?  No.  They're wrong.  All of them.

Let's spend a moment on the character of 'Mars'.  He's a teenage boy who carries double guns in his waistband, is all quiet and weird, staring at Kevin Pollacks daughter, as if he's not sure how to talk to her.  Wow, they really captured the a-typical tortured youth in this.  Did the guy who wrote this script, directed this movie, oh god, did anyone grow up in America?  Whoever made this film needs to be fined for putting this character in a film that isn't a spoof on terrible action films. 

I hear it was based on a novel.  Hey, 'guy who wrote the novel', you suck ass.  Next time write a book on being a pathetic fucking loser.  Mars can play you in it.

Flight of the Phoenix

I guess I can imagine the Hollywood Producers meeting where someone said, "Well, how about Alive, in the desert, with the worst characterizations performed by really poor actors." What I cannot imagine is how everyone else at the that meeting said 'Yes!' and how they got Dennis Quaid, Mirando Otto and Giovanni Ribisi to sign on.

This film is, in a word, offensive. Why? Let me take you on a little journey called plot vs. reaction. Dennis Quiad and Tyrese are pilots, picking up a crew at an Oil Derrick in the Arabian desert. As they are flying home, then get caught in a sand storm and CRASH, PAINFULLY and almost all die. Soon they realize no one will ever find them, because of the size of the desert and how off-course they were, so they decide to build a smaller airplane out of the big one and fly home. Ok, I think that's cool. You know what's missing? Fear. Fear of death.

Did you see Alive? That movie was fucking scary, because they didn't know if they'd be rescued, and well, eventually they eat the dead. And it all really happened. In this film, no one freaks out, no one is crying about not getting to see their family again, no one really seems all that unhappy about it. Right on down to the moment where they play 'Hey Ya' and all dance as they work.

I'm sorry, but, um, I can't be happy and dance right now. I've got to build a fucking airplane out of the crashed remains of a bigger one, while carefully rationing my food and water, so that I don't die out here. You guys dance around. I'm going to, um, you know, react to the plot. I'll dance to Outkast in Brussels, while thanking god I made it.

So, factor that about ten times and you'll get this film. Oh, and Tyrese was by far the best actor, and he's a fucking rap star, so that's BAD for a film with real actors it in. Very very bad.

'Flight of the Phoenix' my ass. More like 'Flight of the Piece of Shit'.

Be Cool

I swear I knew this was going to be bad, but I loved 'Get Shorty' so much that I went anyway. This film is fucking awful. It's exactly the same as the first film, only with different actors in the roles. The scenes, the interactions, everything - you've seen it all before and better.

Danny Devito is in three scenes, totalling 5 whole minutes of screen time, not that I or anyone ever goes to see a film with him in it, but c'mon, he's like top billed! He's got less screen time than Emma Thompson did in 'In the Name of the Father' or Brando in 'Superman'.

While the Rock playing a gay bodyguard is funny, it's sad that it's pretty much the only funny thing in the film. How sad is a comedy if a gay Rock is the funniest part.

But that's not what infuriating about this film, no - not that - not the bizarre involvement of Steve Tyler and Aerosmith (as if anyone on planet earth is a huge Aerosmith fan now and would go to one of their concerts, let alone care who he endorses), not the gay-ass Pulp Fiction-homage dance Travolta and Uma do, not the plot confusion causes by killing a character with a baseball bat - no, all that pales in comparison to the fact that this film was even made at all. There is nothing redeeming in it, nothing new, no jokes to take away and think about later. This film should have been called 'We take-a your cash, now go home'. Like not since 'Stakeout Two' has there been a less necessary sequel.

Elmore Leonard should be spinning in his grave for writing this, and if he's not dead, he should be forced to just get in his grave and spin in it.

Constantine

This film could have been really good, if they murdered everyone involved the night before they started shooting and then released a film of blackness for 90 minutes.

Am I being a bit harsh? No. Well, yes, I've seen far worse. But in the comic, the character of John Constantine was modelled after Sting. You know - Sting. He's got spiky, blonde hair. Keanu looks exactly the way he does in the Matrix. So already you know the film doesn't have the right take on the source material. If they couldn't get Keanu to bleach his fucking hair, what else did they give up on?

Perhaps they also didn't try hard enough to push away from 'The Golden Child' and 'The Exorcist' both of which are truly good and bad (if you watch 'em long enough). It's not like I haven't seen those films, and thus it's not like there was a single thing in this film I hadn't seen before. Not to say that there aren't cool moments in the film, but there are cool moments in 'Gigli' (the whole yoga lesbian speech was cool, trust me), and it didn't help.

Ok, ok. Tilda Swinton as arch-angel Gabriel was good, and fun. And Peter Stormare's turn as Satan was fun, too. Perhaps, um, make the film about them? Would it be too much to ask to make a film about the characters that are interesting, cool, mysterious and scary?

This, and 'Hellboy' and 'From Hell' and god knows what else. They should just STOP adapting comics to the big screen. Comics are not suited for film, they're suited for comic books. Maybe, if we're lucky, they'll murder everyone before a sequel is made.